Welcome to my new blog. On it, I am going to discuss the Areas of My Expertise, which are many and diverse, and which include thrift store shopping.
Rules For Thrift Store Shopping
1. Don't be afraid to rush the racks of new stuff as they are being rolled out of the store room in back. Thats where the good shit is, and I'll be damned if someone else gets to it first.
2. When shopping, if the tiny length of rack that you have to push your items apart from each other is taken by the woman next to you trying to create her own tiny space, dont be afraid to push back, or to use elbows and fists if necessary. If this makes you uncomfortable, rummage through used clothes heaps in Zambia and take a couple hits to toughen up.
3. Even if you are a real bitch, be real nice and chatty with the person ringing you up because they can - and if they perceive your sickening charm as genuine, will - cut the price of your clothes in half.
4. Never wear pants that you bought at a thrift store without washing, especially if you dont wear underwear. You could end up with a nasty and undiagnosable case of crotch itch, which responds not to antifungals, antibiotics, or blowtorches.
5. Definitely give thrift store purchases as gifts.
6. Assume a poker face when shopping so as not to give it away when you've found a particularly promising rack. Frown harder when you do.
7. A well directed toot (if you know what I mean) will discourage your competiton from coming too close.
8. While driving home, individually reflect on each of your purchases, thoroughly searching for flaws, never slowing from 60 miles per hour as you hold the clothes between your face and the windshield, effectively blocking your view of the road.
9. Sell your shit on EBay. Advertise it as "Practically new! I bought this for my boyfriend who died before he had a chance to wear it." Guess where I got this beauty: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=160284326074&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT&ih=006
10. Dude, just get a real job so you dont have to shop at thrift stores.
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